Which is, naturally, "unbelievably frustrating." And also, I felt the urge to step in between, to shield this Bella Swan from the darker workings of Jessica's mind.AND SO THE OBSESSION BEGINS.Īnd then Bella waaaaaalks past Edward in bioooooology class in slooooo-mooooo and he smells her delicious, delicious, naturally freesia-scented bloooooood: Her scent hit me like a wrecking ball, like a battering ram. Most Twilightverse vampires have some kind of special power-Alice can see the future, Jasper can affect moods, Carlisle got stuck with "compassion"-and Edward's is that he can hear thoughts and read minds. Stupid boring New Girl, thinking.Īnd that's when Edward realizes he can't hear Bella's thoughts. Stupid Jessica Hosebeast Stanley, thinking bitchy thoughts at New Girl. Stupid mundanes, obsessed with the stupid new girl. Stupid psychic Alice, not concerned with anything but whether Jasper can control himself around the tasty mundanes or not. She's so vain, she probably thinks my internal monologue is about her. And then he starts snarking on his family ( roll call!): Stupid Rosalie.
MIDNIGHT SUN STEPHENIE MEYER PLAYLIST CRACKED
So, previously on As the Vampire Sparkles, Bella Swan was a seventeen-year-old girl living in Phoenix with her flighty mother Renee, who then married a younger minor league baseball player and was so happy with him that Bella said, in essence, "I know you would really rather be traveling with him! I know you're happier with him! I'll just go then, I'll go live with my silent stoic dad Charlie up north in the middle of rainy nowhere! I'll just make this sacrifice for you, because I think of you as my best friend, and I have always known what was best for you, as if I was the parent and you were the-HEY! WHY ARE WE ALREADY AT THE AIRPORT?" So then she got to Forks (just after Christmas break, I would guess) and went from zero to whine at record speed: "I hate the rain! I hate the cold! I hate the green! I hate sleeves! I hate sharing a bathroom with my father! I hate quiet little schools where I'm not in danger of getting shot everyday! I hate boys at new schools who actually try to befriend me! GAH I HOPE THEY DON'T TRY TO ASK ME OUT." And that pretty much gets us up to this chapter, where she sees Edward Sparklepire Cullen for the first time.Įdward is staring at the cracked plaster on the ceiling of his lunchroom purgatory, how unbearable is the foodless monotonous drone of his existence, etc. You know, just so you can tell the difference. You know what? I'm so fond of making up dialogue that I think I'm going to bold it if it's the real thing and it's not in blockquotes. All chapter titles are real indented blockquotes are really from the text. Second thing: The Midnight Sun playlist from Meyer's website. I'm just saying, I won't judge you if you won't judge me. "Flour," maybe, and I'm not even so sure about that. To expand on my previous metaphor, it's like I'm in my kitchen and there's that Twinkie sitting on the counter, and I know, I know, that not one single ingredient in that thing originated in nature. Breaking Dawn: Skip to the third section, and it's all shiny lulz from there.) I am sick, y'all. Eclipse: more so than New Moon, although I tend to skip the love triangle sections so as to not punch holes in the wall. Mostly because Bella trying to not-kill herself for two hundred pages or so infuriates me on behalf of the people who think this is a good book for young girls. Twilight fills me with warm and fuzzy giggles. And guess what? They're not hiring for those anymore.Īnd yet.
Novels of the nineteenth century: that is pretty much it.
More to the point, perhaps: if Bella Swan hadn't met Edward, what was she planning to do with her life? I mean, what was she planning to do for a job? We're not even told enough about her interests to have any idea what career path she could have taken. The imprinting! The forced kissing! The STALKING, OH MY LORD, THE STALKING. The first thing I want to discuss is the fact that I cannot stop reading these books even though they fill me with feminist rage and horror. ("OMG THIS IS SO LONG!" Well, it's theoretically the last Twilight book she is/was going to write, and the length makes up for not doing a Twilight chapter breakdown in the first place. Anyway, for better or worse, Stephenie Meyer has posted the first half of Midnight Sun on her website, for free, and I said I'd recap it once it was legally available, and now it is, so here we are. The migraines are chagrining my recapping mojo, you guys. So it took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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